[antithesis]

I've been learning to get behind the surface. I'm learning that there's usually something behind my first instinct, beyond my automatic response. The place where my actions come from is just as important as the actions themselves. Changing the way I act might help me develop more controlled behavior patterns, but life has a way of revealing - through new pressures - what is simply a habit of being nice, and who I really am. Habits don't go to far when they're just paintings on the surface. Eventually, life will reveal that place within yourself where you actually live out of.

So my hope now is not to develop more controlled behaviors, but to shred illusions and walls so I can be healed.

I am afraid.

The more I press in to my history and present, the more I realize that fear has ruled me, driven me, and will continue to dictate my life if I let it. And I don't like that. I don't like reacting like a terrified animal; I want to meet circumstances and disappointments in my life with an engaging boldness. Not to dismiss them, but to interact with them in an intentional manner. Not just develop another set of reactions, but to root out fear and live from another place.

In trying to get there, I've been thinking that I need courage.

Courage is the word I have scrawled across my desk, my mirror, my arm. It's my chant, my meditation, my hope, my way to get through every fighting moment. I've been circling around courage for more than a year now. I have sure that if I chase it a little harder, it will be found by me, attach itself to me, and become me. I will be courageous! And then I wouldn't be afraid. I wouldn't act out of my fear. Right?

I thought that courage was the antithesis of fear.

But maybe it's not courage that I need, because it turns out, the antidote to fear isn't just courage, it's love. Love is the thing behind genuine courageous living. 1 John says: Perfect love casts out fear/Well formed love banishes fear.

What is that perfect, well formed love? I'm back here again: There's nothing I can do to be more loved or accepted by God than I am right now. If I'm living and acting out of that place - that deep, settled belief that I am loved perfectly, I find myself courageous. And much further from fear than if I were just looking to avoid fear.

I need love to rule my fear and give me courage. I need love for it's own sake.

I will write love on my desk, my arms, my mirror, my heart.

and love will not break your heart
but dismiss your fears
[mumford & sons - after the storm]

BONUS! If you'd prefer fewer words and more symbols, here's the shorthand of this post:

Fear + Courage = -Fear.
Fear + Courage ≠ Fear.
Fear + Love = Fear.
Fear = Courage to Love.
Love > Courage.
Me(Love) = Real Me.