[comments: dear sadly single]

Sometimes I put considerably more effort into responding to other people's blogs than writing for my own. In an effort to preserve some of those comments, I'm adding them here.


This is in response to a letter from Sadly Single in St Louis, published by my twitter buddy Caitlin Muir.

Dear St Louis, et al.

I think the first (and maybe the hardest part!) of an answer to this question is:
You have to accept some responsibility for your situation.

I know, I know. I'm sure you're thinking 'WHAAAAAT! WAY TO KICK ME WHEN I'M DOWN!' But hear me out!

I too, have struggled with this very thing. It doesn't seem fair that I'm single, that some people meet their spouse clearly and easily and without trying and tra la la off into life, that I would have to work hard and fight through the pain of rejection, that I have all these weird neuroses about trust, etc. Frankly, I'm a little embarrassed by all the energy I've put into feeling bad for myself or jealous of others. I know that those things don't represent who I really want to be. Yet, PART of the reason why I'm single is: me.

My pain, my fear, my brokenness, my lack of faith, my self-protection, my past, my personality, my pickiness... And THOSE are the things I can work on.

I want to be a woman who has confidence in Jesus and is comfortable with herself. I want to be one of those people that "owns" their personality and their life and uses their story for the glory of God and good of others. It sounds like you want to be a dude like that, which is awesome!

A book that has REALLY been helping me is called: How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, by Henry Cloud. (http://www.amazon.com/How-Get-... or try your library! Mine has a copy!) If that sounds too cheesy, well, I can't help you. It is! But it's also thoughtful, easy to read, and exceedingly practical.

Also, it's working! It's helping me own MY part of singleness and work towards being the woman I want to be, no matter my current relationship status.

If you're bummed about where you are now: start taking tiny steps towards somewhere else! Start by evaluating where you are now and own it. A good woman or man takes responsibility (not all of it, much of life is outside of your control!) for everything he can and trusts God for the rest.

Even if you don't meet your dream girl right away, there's plenty of things to keep you busy and on the path towards meeting her:
Ask someone you respect to pray with you about this issue once a week for a month!
Get a haircut!
Invent something!
Ask a girl out and buy her dinner!
Hire a personal stylist or get a female friend to take you shopping for better fitted clothes!
Write out a list or don't write out a list!
Learn something new!
Listen to other people well!
Learn how to have healthy boundaries!
Smile at every girl you see, all day!
Learn something new about yourself!
Talk to a stranger in Starbucks about the weather!
Do 1 month of online dating!
Babysit your friends' kids!
Give someone your number!
Join a gym and actually go!
Ask some married people hard questions about their joys and struggles!
Learn the balance between patience and action!
Spend time with women and really learn to respect them!
Face your fears!
Pray for the marriages you know!
Read a book by someone you disagree with!
Pray, Pray, and Pray!
Read How to Get a Date Worth Keeping and actually DO the steps! (Get a buddy to do it, too!)

Oh, and forgive Joshua Harris for writing I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It ruined all of our lives, yes, but it's time to move on.

I could write a lot more about this, but that's probably enough for now.

I'm proud of you for asking this question and think it's a great sign that you're ready to move out of Sadly Single and in to Studly Single. I'll pray for you today, and hope you'll pray for me too!

Sincerely.