[love has won]

God's Love is offered to everyone.

But it's we who decide whether that offer burns us or makes us alive.

I've struggled so much with the idea that God offers grace to one and punishment towards another through no option of their own. I have tried and tried to love that vindictive, subversive, unfair god, but I can't. Sure, you can find verses in the Bible that seem to say that God works like that (and plenty that say the opposite), but that doesn't end up glorifying God in the sense of making him more wonderful to me. It makes him terrifying and horrible.

And when I am, at my core, afraid and unloved, guess what I project: fear and unlove.

Not that revolutionary, right? What we really believe about ourselves shows up in our actions, no matter what we proclaim with our intellects. So, at the end of 2009, with every fundamental, reformed, evangelical voice in my head telling me I was 'on dangerous theological ground' and 'leading others astray,' I gave up on that god. I gave up on looking good, being the Reformed girl with the ready defense, and being right.

But a new God? A God who offers the same pure Love and acceptance to all his enemies (one of which I certainly am) to the point of pursuing them incredibly beyond what they deserve? If his pursuit is based on his goodness and desire that all should find a repentant and fulfilled life in him, then I'll bet his grace is far better than I can imagine. If and when it stops isn't something I want to spend a lot of time considering, because it's merely a distraction from the worship and love I can live out. I'm not meant to know those things, but I am made to trust that God is merciful and self-sacrificing and awe-some. And that is a God who can fill me to the point where I delight in pouring out love and acceptance to others. That's the God I've found. Everywhere I looked.

I see Christians scoff and shake their heads sadly at even the idea of that kind of God. Rob Bell got roasted and farewelled for even hinting at that idea in a provocative video. For even bringing up the discussion! I see my extended family email chain go back and forth with snarky comments and triumphant agreements about their own rightness on this issue. I'm the Reply All in the middle who can't open her mouth to say that that's the only God I can worship. I can't say anything because it wouldn't be loving to call them out and they'd just try harder to fix my NPR listening, anti-war, socialistic ways without actually listening to me.

I am certain there is bad theology everywhere around in churches today just as there is bad action within the entire history of the church. I'm sure I have poor thought to go with my small faith and some jerky behavior on the side. But it's not my job to figure it out or tell everyone which is what. I think it's too easy for me to label judgment "Christian Discernment," and use it as a weapon. And I just have to stay far away from that now; it's too dangerous for me. Like alcoholics have to stay away from bars, I have to stay away from control, judgementalism, and nose-raising religion. Religion's my escape, my medication, my ugly head-rearing habit, the very thing I've been saved from.

Rob Bell might be making any number of points with his book (and you can be sure now I'm going to read it, as I've already read innumerable defenses of Hell Proper from evangelicals I respect) and I'm exciting about the deep thinking and ruminating that such issues require.

I don't know if Heaven and Hell are spatially separated, but they cannot seem to be separated from a state of being. I've been in beautiful places ruined by my foul mood, I've been wholly present in ugly landscapes where I've never been happier or more satisfied. The sun and rain come down and you can complain or dance, so it makes compelling sense to me that depending on your free choice (only God knows perfectly the extent to which it is free or created by your circumstance, so I'll let him figure that out), the presence of God will make you glow radiantly or burn alive.

I doubt either place is something the beings we are right now can understand. I'm sure it's more real than our current definition of reality. But we're fighting over shadows rather than trusting God to be LOVE enough to share him with others in this moment. Maybe that's the point of Love Wins: to stop bickering or posturing that you know who's in and who's out and start living like you want everyone in, right now, today, in this glorious free kingdom. To start believing that God can do it bigger, better, and more generously than you can, so you refuse to limit grace.

I'm not afraid to ask difficult questions of God anymore, because I know Love is big enough, personal enough, and real enough for me to ask them and not get answers. Worship is about making his wonder known in my heart, my ears, my words, my community. If I'm wrong, I'll trust God to correct me eventually and love me passionately in the mean time.

For the record, I support any belief about God or spiritual discipline that makes you feel his love more intimately, love him more passionately, and love a community of others more actively.

Love burns harder and brighter than we can even imagine. It's veiled for a reason; it's too powerful for us to see more than a faint glow. And depending on whether you want it or not, it will give light to your bones and flesh and soul or blind you.

I believe LOVE WINS because it is the most radical, beautiful, freeing thing I can begin to imagine. And I believe in the God who is that and even more.