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I've realized that though I was raised in a loving family, had more advantages than most people, was surrounded by affection, taught love at church and school and with friends, told that God is love, would tell you that God is love, parroted the characteristics of love, believe every day in grace and newness and beauty and love, somehow, I still ended up with this incredibly conditional image of Love.

A person's mental picture of God is the most important feature of his or her belief system. This picture determines how we relate to God, for better or for worse. Most of the time we are unaware of our deepest beliefs about God. We may think we believe one thing about God, repeating teachings we have have been given, when in fact, at a deeper level, our picture of God does not actually reflect these teachings. And since our hearts always respond to what we really believe, not what we think we believe on a theoretical level, our lives frequently don't reflect what we say we believe.

For the circular reader, the way I live reveals what I really believe. What I really believe affects how I will live. The way I live matters, not because I can follow the rules, but because what's outside shows me what's true - my reality - inside my head. Get it? Me too. Sort of.

For example, if asked what we believe God is like, we may be conditioned to repeat the phrase, "God is love." Yet we may not feel loved and thus may not be in the process of being transformed by God's love. The picture of God we really hold has been derived (perhaps) from our unloving earthly father or from negative life experiences instead of from the Bible, centered on the person of Jesus Christ. [Boyd 92-93]

A close look at Love in my reality-actions reveals a sad state of affairs. I withhold Love if people don't do what I like, believe what I do, look like me and the way that I like to look, or relate to the world the same way. I am mistrusting and seeking the crack in every relationship so I can snatch back Love and keep it safe and hidden and useless and mine all mine.

My actions reveal that my image is of a god who destroys people at whim and ignores others, who will give me things after I change on my own, and thinks I should have known better. This god is, like me, conditional. He only loves those who love him back and obey. It might even be a god I learned about at church, from other Christians, and in my own attempt to control god. But that's a false god. And I need a new one. I don't want that old god anymore. I need Jesus.

I am powerless over my broken, conditional, small view of Love. I am powerless on my own to create a god I'd want to truly worship.

And in my broken, powerless, not-enoughness, Love is revealed.

Lord, help my unbelief.
Unconditionally.